How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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