I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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