I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
