and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
