I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
