All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
