the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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