Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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