i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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