I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
