The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
