I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
