oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
