I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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