i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
