Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I see more hoeing in ur future
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
