What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
where does the pee come out of this thing
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
