I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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