Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
