Me. At least after what I've been through.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Randomize
