the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
