I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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