Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
