what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
