Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
