you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
