so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
