I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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