I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
