mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
