i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
