I didn't shave. On purpose
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Randomize
