I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
