Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
