Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
