I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
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