one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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