im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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