3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
