Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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