Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
