Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
