I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
