At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
