I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
