Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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