I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
