Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
you didnt know i had herpes?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
