i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I think I have vodka in my lungs
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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