I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
i think my cat just said my name.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
