Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
