Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
