I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
