the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
