Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We are all done wearing pants today
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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