i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Randomize
