i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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