Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
