is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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