cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
