I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
