The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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