Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
