Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
my shit smells like andre
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Randomize
