true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Sober January is a disaster.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
