Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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