she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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