I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize