I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Randomize
